Video Conference

I am very happy. I just completed a video conference with Phil Toledano, a photographer and author who created "Days with My Father," a photo essay we studied in our non-fiction unit.

It went well. So well. Better than I dared hope. I was so nervous that my kids would be bored, be inappropriate, be disrespectful... but Phil was amazing with them, and they loved him. He answered their questions, made them feel comfortable, and really engaged them.

The experience really reinforced a lot of my thoughts about teaching: You can say the wisest, most useful things, but if you can't get them to pay attention to you, they won't get any of it.

I can make them be quiet, but I can't make them really listen to me. To be successful, I have to make them want to listen to me. I have to entertain them. Whenever possible, I have to hold their attention, not demand it.

Phil did just that. He was funny and just edgy enough, but he wasn't just funny and edgy. He offered meaningful insights on aging, respecting our parents and grandparents, and gave useful advice about writing and art.

But he also shared an impression of a valley girl commenting on how large her derriere looked in a certain skirt--an impression I know my kids will be quoting for weeks, though I imagine it will be edited a bit when they're in earshot of a teacher.

Now, the kids probably won't be able to quote everything he said with such accuracy. For instance, I don't expect they could tell me exactly what he said about how to begin a photo essay or recite his words on the value of family. But they heard it, and they will remember some of it-- way more of it, I would bet, than if he had repeated all his answers twice, but had been boring.

Is being entertaining requisite to being a good teacher? I don't know. Maybe not. I've had great teachers that weren't particularly hilarious. But maybe they were still engaging somehow. Those aren't necessarily the same thing...

At least for me, for my personality, my set of gifts, I feel that working to be entertaining is something I have to do if I'm going to be as effective as I can be in my classroom.

So, it's been a while

I haven't posted in a long long time, and a lot has changed since then.

I left my first school, and I am teaching now at a Christian school where I am much much happier. I am in the third year of being a "real teacher," and I am amazed at how much easier it is to do once you've been at it a little while.

I'm facing again a lot of the new-teacher struggles I faced 2 years ago since I'm at a different school, but it is no comparison to the battle it was for me to be a first time teacher.

I'm teaching ninth-grade now, and I have so much more freedom in my curriculum. It is wonderful! It's a lot of work for me this year, since I'm generating my own tests, homework, quizzes, etc, but it is worth it. Next year, I think I will have to come up with some time saving tactics because I'm not sure this is a sustainable lifestyle, with coaching (did I mention I'm also coaching track and cross-country?), grading, planning, etc, but I am happy.

I have moments--days or weeks at a time, sometimes-- when I feel overwhelmed, incapable, and discouraged, but that's no longer my default. For the most part, I am excited to be learning and improving, enjoying my students, and happy to come to work.

I forgot what 7am looked like.

Today is the first time in a long time I've had to wake up before 8. I was really surprised at having a hard time falling to sleep last night. The jitters are here again-- and early. I thought I wouldn't be nervous for my second year of pre-planning. But I am.

There's so much to think about, and my brain was trying to process it all last night. Primarily, I thought about how my room assignment is different from last year (no idea why), and I definitely did not prepare my room for moving in June (bulletin boards still decorated, etc). Hopefully it won't be too much of an inconvenience for whoever is moving into my old room.

I am excited though. I don't know what the next months hold, but I look forward to seeing God at work in my classroom.

I need Thee, O I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
O bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

Class List is In

I have my schedule, and I have my class roles.

I am recording my initial impressions. It will be interesting to see how they pan out. Are my instincts spot on or way off?

I have 9 students that I taught last year. I'm excited to have them again, but a little nervous because there are a lot of things that I want to do differently this year, and I worry that it will be a challenge for the students who are used to me doing things one way. The good news is that these students are all in my Lit/LA classes and I taught them writing last year. SO they don't really know what to expect from me in a Lit/LA setting.

There was only one student who I thought I probably shouldn't teach again, and he's in my class again. I feel totally willing to give him a fresh start, but I'm not sure he (or his mom) will be prepared to do the same. I'm up for it if they are, though. I imagine that when I point the situation out to my AP, he will transfer the student out of my class. He knew all about that interesting dynamic. Plus, the mom did say, "______ learned so much in her class and produced the best writing he has ever done.... but we don't think he should have her again next year."

Anyway. Other than that, I'm very excited. I'm glad to have names that I can specifically pray for.

God is not a Gumball Machine

As I'm looking at the new school year looming, I must admit I feel more apprehension than excitement. I do not feel ready for another year like last year, even though in some ways, last year was really remarkable (for a first year).

I really do believe that next year will be better. It has to be. I think maybe, though, it's like eating the first piece of carrot cake after the last one you ate (years ago) made you sick. You know, logically, that whatever made the earlier cake bad is probably not in this cake--- but how can you separate that knowledge from the vividness of the experience?

Anyway, as I've been trying to mentally psych myself up for this next year, I've been trying frantically to get all my ducks in a row, have all these great new ideas ready to go... and it's been frustrating. In my graspings, I stumbled across this great site: http://mspowell.blogspot.com/

It's a collection of devotionals for teachers, and the ones for returning to school have been really helpful. I'm remembering that I don't have to have it all together. I am falling into the trap again of praying that God will give me everything I think I need for me to do my job the way I think I need to do it. Instead, I need to be praying for His hand on my classroom-- His leadership and guidance and provision. I know I can ask for the tools that I think I'd like to have, but I also need to remember he's not a gumball machine. He isn't there just to give me a little help here and there when I need it. He is my foundation, my life-giver, the Lord of all I encounter.

This is a lesson I started to learn last year, and I am hoping to really immerse myself in it and refuse to buy into the idea that to be a good teacher I must worry and work myself into a frenzy. I think my satisfaction and my desire to be an effective teacher are much simpler to achieve than the ways I've been chasing them:

Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.

Psalm 1:1-3

I do not have to know everything there is to know about being a good teacher. I simply must avoid what I know to be detrimental and surround and submerge myself with what I know to be good: the ways of our Father.

Well, so much for that.

At the beginning of the year, I was searching for blogs by first year teachers and never really found one. Now I know why.

First year teachers haven't got the time to blog!!!!

I do regret not making the time to post about some of my more interesting events (like having the bee stuck in my hair while I was teaching), but I am giving myself grace in the matter. After all, blogging was not (and should not have been) as high on my list of priorities as... oh, say... refraining from inflicting bodily harm. (I kid, I kid).

It's been a good year over all. I have learned so much--more than my kids, I expect.

But I'm signed up to do it all again next year.

Maybe I'll have some time this summer to reflect....

First Year Teacher Blues

I was loving it loving it for the first nine weeks or so. Tired, but loving it. Now it's catching up to me.

I'm exhausted all the time, often feel like I'm doing a terrible job, am starved for encouragement at school, and my focus is forcibly skewed so that I complete all the paper work, perfectly and on time. As long as I do this, no one will notice me (unless they're yelling at me in the lunch room for not unplugging my air freshener). Reaching children ceases to be the objective of my profession and becomes an obstruction to my "real" duty, which is completing their individual student records, progress reports(every third week), cumulative cards, etc etc, and of course I do need them to take the occasional test so that I have something to report on. And oh yeah, if they learn anything in the process, great!

Yikes. Sorry about that. The point is, I am in the middle of a valley and it stinks (and it's not just the adolescents after recess). I haven't figured out how to balance the things I must do to meet my school's (and my students' parents') expectations and the things I thought I would be doing when I decided to be a teacher (um, like...teach?). I've just been very disappointed about how discouraging this most "rewarding" of all careers has been so far. BUT, (and this is a big but), although this is a crappy place to be, I really feel that I'm starting to work my way out. I know God's hand is on my life, and I see the ways He's teaching me and sustaining me. I need to cling to his provision because I get the feeling that this is not going to be a feeling that I get over quickly. I've had a few great days in the past few weeks, but I'm in survival mode for the majority of the others. I recognize that it won't always be like this though. I was so confident and really enjoyed my job at the beginning of the year, and although my energy is running low, I know that I'm cut out to be a teacher, and that I won't always be so miserable at this and with this.

The truth is, I do like my kids for the most part-- my liking them is not the primary problem (although their sometimes snarky attitudes don't help on a bad day). I just feel the pressure and feel like I'm not measuring up.

Lately I feel like there's been a mixture of really random awful things and really random good things happening to me at school. It feels like a battle, like I'm being attacked, but have someone on my side. Know what I mean?

The good news is, my life outside of school, mostly my marriage, has never been happier. My husband is an amazing spiritual leader for me, and he's been so patient and encouraging and I really don't know how I would be getting through this year without him. He's really helped me lately learn to do what I need to do to leave school at school. I stay late a couple days a week to prevent taking any schoolwork home with me, and that has made such a huge difference. It's helped me learn to separate my home life from my work, which was beginning to consume my mind in really frustrating (and sleepless) ways. I try not to talk about school too much outside of school, and I've been working really hard to avoid thinking about all those little things that tend to wake me up in the middle of the night. There's been a lot of improvement in this area, which I am so thankful for. It's just the 8-11 hours that I'm at school each day that are tough now.

Anyway, it feels good to send an update, even if it is a bit dismal, scattered, and profuse.

I think that although I know this time is going to continue to be a struggle for me, I feel optimistic and that I'm learning a lot and that I'll have the sustenance and provision I need to survive and eventually (hopefully!) thrive.

Did I mention that I'm exhausted?