I was loving it loving it for the first nine weeks or so. Tired, but loving it. Now it's catching up to me.
I'm exhausted all the time, often feel like I'm doing a terrible job, am starved for encouragement at school, and my focus is forcibly skewed so that I complete all the paper work, perfectly and on time. As long as I do this, no one will notice me (unless they're yelling at me in the lunch room for not unplugging my air freshener). Reaching children ceases to be the objective of my profession and becomes an obstruction to my "real" duty, which is completing their individual student records, progress reports(every third week), cumulative cards, etc etc, and of course I do need them to take the occasional test so that I have something to report on. And oh yeah, if they learn anything in the process, great!
Yikes. Sorry about that. The point is, I am in the middle of a valley and it stinks (and it's not just the adolescents after recess). I haven't figured out how to balance the things I must do to meet my school's (and my students' parents') expectations and the things I thought I would be doing when I decided to be a teacher (um, like...teach?). I've just been very disappointed about how discouraging this most "rewarding" of all careers has been so far. BUT, (and this is a big but), although this is a crappy place to be, I really feel that I'm starting to work my way out. I know God's hand is on my life, and I see the ways He's teaching me and sustaining me. I need to cling to his provision because I get the feeling that this is not going to be a feeling that I get over quickly. I've had a few great days in the past few weeks, but I'm in survival mode for the majority of the others. I recognize that it won't always be like this though. I was so confident and really enjoyed my job at the beginning of the year, and although my energy is running low, I know that I'm cut out to be a teacher, and that I won't always be so miserable at this and with this.
The truth is, I do like my kids for the most part-- my liking them is not the primary problem (although their sometimes snarky attitudes don't help on a bad day). I just feel the pressure and feel like I'm not measuring up.
Lately I feel like there's been a mixture of really random awful things and really random good things happening to me at school. It feels like a battle, like I'm being attacked, but have someone on my side. Know what I mean?
The good news is, my life outside of school, mostly my marriage, has never been happier. My husband is an amazing spiritual leader for me, and he's been so patient and encouraging and I really don't know how I would be getting through this year without him. He's really helped me lately learn to do what I need to do to leave school at school. I stay late a couple days a week to prevent taking any schoolwork home with me, and that has made such a huge difference. It's helped me learn to separate my home life from my work, which was beginning to consume my mind in really frustrating (and sleepless) ways. I try not to talk about school too much outside of school, and I've been working really hard to avoid thinking about all those little things that tend to wake me up in the middle of the night. There's been a lot of improvement in this area, which I am so thankful for. It's just the 8-11 hours that I'm at school each day that are tough now.
Anyway, it feels good to send an update, even if it is a bit dismal, scattered, and profuse.
I think that although I know this time is going to continue to be a struggle for me, I feel optimistic and that I'm learning a lot and that I'll have the sustenance and provision I need to survive and eventually (hopefully!) thrive.
Did I mention that I'm exhausted?
