God is not a Gumball Machine

As I'm looking at the new school year looming, I must admit I feel more apprehension than excitement. I do not feel ready for another year like last year, even though in some ways, last year was really remarkable (for a first year).

I really do believe that next year will be better. It has to be. I think maybe, though, it's like eating the first piece of carrot cake after the last one you ate (years ago) made you sick. You know, logically, that whatever made the earlier cake bad is probably not in this cake--- but how can you separate that knowledge from the vividness of the experience?

Anyway, as I've been trying to mentally psych myself up for this next year, I've been trying frantically to get all my ducks in a row, have all these great new ideas ready to go... and it's been frustrating. In my graspings, I stumbled across this great site: http://mspowell.blogspot.com/

It's a collection of devotionals for teachers, and the ones for returning to school have been really helpful. I'm remembering that I don't have to have it all together. I am falling into the trap again of praying that God will give me everything I think I need for me to do my job the way I think I need to do it. Instead, I need to be praying for His hand on my classroom-- His leadership and guidance and provision. I know I can ask for the tools that I think I'd like to have, but I also need to remember he's not a gumball machine. He isn't there just to give me a little help here and there when I need it. He is my foundation, my life-giver, the Lord of all I encounter.

This is a lesson I started to learn last year, and I am hoping to really immerse myself in it and refuse to buy into the idea that to be a good teacher I must worry and work myself into a frenzy. I think my satisfaction and my desire to be an effective teacher are much simpler to achieve than the ways I've been chasing them:

Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.

Psalm 1:1-3

I do not have to know everything there is to know about being a good teacher. I simply must avoid what I know to be detrimental and surround and submerge myself with what I know to be good: the ways of our Father.

Well, so much for that.

At the beginning of the year, I was searching for blogs by first year teachers and never really found one. Now I know why.

First year teachers haven't got the time to blog!!!!

I do regret not making the time to post about some of my more interesting events (like having the bee stuck in my hair while I was teaching), but I am giving myself grace in the matter. After all, blogging was not (and should not have been) as high on my list of priorities as... oh, say... refraining from inflicting bodily harm. (I kid, I kid).

It's been a good year over all. I have learned so much--more than my kids, I expect.

But I'm signed up to do it all again next year.

Maybe I'll have some time this summer to reflect....

First Year Teacher Blues

I was loving it loving it for the first nine weeks or so. Tired, but loving it. Now it's catching up to me.

I'm exhausted all the time, often feel like I'm doing a terrible job, am starved for encouragement at school, and my focus is forcibly skewed so that I complete all the paper work, perfectly and on time. As long as I do this, no one will notice me (unless they're yelling at me in the lunch room for not unplugging my air freshener). Reaching children ceases to be the objective of my profession and becomes an obstruction to my "real" duty, which is completing their individual student records, progress reports(every third week), cumulative cards, etc etc, and of course I do need them to take the occasional test so that I have something to report on. And oh yeah, if they learn anything in the process, great!

Yikes. Sorry about that. The point is, I am in the middle of a valley and it stinks (and it's not just the adolescents after recess). I haven't figured out how to balance the things I must do to meet my school's (and my students' parents') expectations and the things I thought I would be doing when I decided to be a teacher (um, like...teach?). I've just been very disappointed about how discouraging this most "rewarding" of all careers has been so far. BUT, (and this is a big but), although this is a crappy place to be, I really feel that I'm starting to work my way out. I know God's hand is on my life, and I see the ways He's teaching me and sustaining me. I need to cling to his provision because I get the feeling that this is not going to be a feeling that I get over quickly. I've had a few great days in the past few weeks, but I'm in survival mode for the majority of the others. I recognize that it won't always be like this though. I was so confident and really enjoyed my job at the beginning of the year, and although my energy is running low, I know that I'm cut out to be a teacher, and that I won't always be so miserable at this and with this.

The truth is, I do like my kids for the most part-- my liking them is not the primary problem (although their sometimes snarky attitudes don't help on a bad day). I just feel the pressure and feel like I'm not measuring up.

Lately I feel like there's been a mixture of really random awful things and really random good things happening to me at school. It feels like a battle, like I'm being attacked, but have someone on my side. Know what I mean?

The good news is, my life outside of school, mostly my marriage, has never been happier. My husband is an amazing spiritual leader for me, and he's been so patient and encouraging and I really don't know how I would be getting through this year without him. He's really helped me lately learn to do what I need to do to leave school at school. I stay late a couple days a week to prevent taking any schoolwork home with me, and that has made such a huge difference. It's helped me learn to separate my home life from my work, which was beginning to consume my mind in really frustrating (and sleepless) ways. I try not to talk about school too much outside of school, and I've been working really hard to avoid thinking about all those little things that tend to wake me up in the middle of the night. There's been a lot of improvement in this area, which I am so thankful for. It's just the 8-11 hours that I'm at school each day that are tough now.

Anyway, it feels good to send an update, even if it is a bit dismal, scattered, and profuse.

I think that although I know this time is going to continue to be a struggle for me, I feel optimistic and that I'm learning a lot and that I'll have the sustenance and provision I need to survive and eventually (hopefully!) thrive.

Did I mention that I'm exhausted?

Onward and Forward

I wish it was Monday evening right now. Tomorrow night, I will have survived my first day of school, and I think I will be able to breathe a lot easier.

My husband asked me yesterday if I thought I was more nervous than my most nervous student. Good question, I think.

Considering I have several new students in my homeroom and a couple in my classes, I would have to say that I have at least a few students who are more nervous about tomorrow than I am. I would be willing to bet, though, that I am at least as nervous, probably more, than the rest of my students.

So what is it exactly that I'm so nervous about? I'm not really sure. I think it's mostly that I know I don't know everything I probably should know. I'm pretty sure something will come up that I didn't think about, that I don't have a plan for.

And, that will have to be okay. There are going to be things that I do wrong or that I don't know how to do at all, and I'll just have to do like we learned to do in high school drama-- if you mess up, just keep going...

The truth is, I really believe I'm going to be a good teacher. I just have to survive the procedures, the paperwork, the orientation, the learning of the systems. I'm very excited, too. I'm mostly ready to have this first day done with because then I will have done it once and surely can do it again, and better.

The Safety Net

Ok, I admit it: I'm a huge worrier.

I was kind of surprised with my schedule when I got it (teaching more subjects that I expected), and I've been really concerned that I'm going to be overwhelmed.

So, I finally followed my husband's advice and called my principal to talk it over. I didn't really expect him to do anything about it, and I was right. But I also knew that what I mostly wanted was a pep-talk, and I got it. He reminded me that they have a lot of confidence in me, and if I ever get too overwhelmed, he'll figure out a way to help me, like having someone cover my study hall for example.

Nothing has really changed, except that now I realize I have a safety net. I know that if ever I am so slammed that I think I can't make it, there's help. I think that just knowing that is enough. Know what I mean?

If you're in a difficult situation, and you know you are on your own no matter how bad it gets, it feels hopeless pretty quick. I think you can bear a lot more when you know there's relief available if you really need it.

Fake It 'til You Make It

Every time I was placed in a new assignment as a long-term sub last year, I freaked out. I thought, "What? Teaching Computers? I don't know enough to teach it. " or "What? Third-graders? How will I manage them?"



Then a seasoned teacher offered this sage advice: "fake it 'til you make it." So I did. I waded through the first weeks of each assignment, and eventually it turned out.



When I started my last (and most daunting) placement, teaching first-grade for the last 6 weeks of the year and compiling all of the end-of-the-year paperwork, I was able to acknowledge that the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy would soon subside and that I would only hate my life for a few more days before everything started to fall into place.

I sure hope I experience the same phenomenon...

Here's to faking it!

Anxiety

Has it ever occurred to you that teachers are often just as nervous about a new school year as their students are? It hadn't to me either, until recently. I'll be a middle school English teacher in two weeks, and I have literally been having nightmares about the first day of school.

Does it seem to you that students perceive teachers as being above emotion? When I was in school, I never imagined that nervousness or insecurity or flat-out fear were feelings that adults, much less teachers, were capable of experiencing. I, for one, will be relying on that oblivion of adolescence come August 13th.